by SS Kulwant Kaur Khalsa, Espanola NM and Los Angeles CA
Spring 2014

I used to think that life should be mutual; but when I looked around what I saw was not mutual, at least not as I was defining it, and so I felt my universe was out of kilter. I thought that when I shared compassion, understanding, or kindness, I should get the same energy back, and in exactly the same frequency. But it never seemed to happen that way. Confused and frustrated, I searched for the perfect relationship—one that conformed to my inner criteria, one that reflected back to me my own sensitivity and insight. But this ideal eluded me.

Dissatisfied in my relationships with others, I found that my connection to my inner self was also at odds. I felt I was incomplete, that I needed to do more and be more to fulfill my potential. I was pursuing “the big something” that would allow me to manifest what lay hidden within.  hen that something was not found, I despaired that time was running out and I was missing the opportunity encoded in this lifetime.

Finally my heart could take no more, and deep within it grabbed hold, tossing about my false and limited thinking. It began to beat in a chaotic rhythm, faster and faster, shuddering within my chest, snatching away my breath. It quaked and stormed and screamed that something was amiss; it would not be silenced. Persisting in its irregular throbbing, impossible to ignore, it demanded I pay attention. Nothing would calm it; nothing could sooth its wild rampage.

I knew my heart was broadcasting a message in the Morse code of my body. I struggled for weeks and months to understand the cipher, but eventually I had to admit defeat and give in to medical intervention. I had fought to avoid it; I had wanted to do it all on my own, but I couldn’t find the key to my heart’s beating at a serene and tranquil pace.

And so the procedure was scheduled, and on the appointed day I was brought to the hospital, taken to the operating room and made ready for electric shock to be applied to my heart. One minute I was there and the next I was gone, lost in the dark softness of anesthesia.

Vibrating in Harmony

I woke up to smiling faces, and learned that my heart, on the wings of an electrical charge, had finally agreed to beat in sinus rhythm. Wrapped in a drugged euphoria, I gazed upon a world of golden, glowing perfection; loving sweetness hung in the air. Later, as I recuperated at home, I realized that the drug had worn off, but my new view of the world had not. I was still embedded in a vastness, vibrating in harmony with its energy.

Days and weeks passed and I noticed that I was different. I had come to understand that the energy that flows from me to others is my unique gift. This energy may eventually come back to me, but it will be altered, as no one’s way of projecting is exactly the same as mine. When others give to me, it will be on their own terms, based on their own talents and abilities. It’s not for me to judge how the energy flows.  Caring and kindness appear in many guises.

I came to realize that as the universal energy enters me it is given a specific twist, and everything that flows out of me is slanted at this same angle.  My sensitivity, empathy, understanding and intuition all have this individual torque.  These are my tools for interacting with the world.  The more I use them, the more opportunities present themselves that require exactly what I have to give.  I’ve been perfectly configured to do the job for which I was sent here.

There’s no “big something” that I need to achieve. It’s the steady flow of situations that ask for my particular brand of energy and compassion that is my work in the world.  I know this because my heart has told me.  It shook me until I was still and could listen, and then it said to me, “You are complete, you are perfect, as is the world around you.  And it IS mutual; you just had to adjust your focus so you could see it.”

About the Author

SS Kulwant Kaur Khalsa is an ordained Sikh Dharma Minister. She was blessed to have studied with and serve the Siri Singh Sahib for many decades. She is the co-founder of the Our Own Words project to record the stories of people on the path of Sikh Dharma and 3HO (OurOwnWords.com). She is a writer and has contributed many articles to the Sikh Dharma Ministry newsletter.